Made it through the Christmas holiday

Here it is December 28th. I have officially made it through Christmas and all is well. I decided not tell Little #3 the truth about Santa. It just didn't feel like the right time. Even though I am not Christian, I enjoyed the Christmas that my family celebrates. This year I did something different. I finally celebrated the Winter Solstice with my family and it was a very magical night. I was very touched by the way the rest of my family joined me in the celebration.

I am often asked by the Littles what my favorite part of Christmas is and I often struggle to come up with something, but this year I knew absolutley what it was. My favorite part of Christmas was having all 6 of my Littles home.

I know that that sounds like an obvious answer. Why wouldn't that always be my favorite thing? But it hasn't always been the case. I have, in the past, very rarely allowed myself to enjoy much at this time of the year. I am usually in the midst of a dark time of the soul. Winter blues for me are more like winter blacks. Sometimes having all the Littles together became overwhelming with all the bickering and selfish behavior. What changed?

I did. I let go of bickering and selfish behavior and I believe that it helped the Littles to do the same. I feel warmer and more loving. I don't know if all the Littles would agree with this, but I have been evolving into what feels like a much more accepting mother. I don't find myself trying to put those that I love into a mold. And that includes myself. I have let myself free. I feel as though I am finally allowing myself to be the person I see in the mirror, instead of resisting that person and trying to make her smarter, prettier, kinder, etc..

I made a new friend this year. That friend is me. I have always agreed that you need to love yourself before you can fully love others. I could just never do it. I had to be ready to love me. It took me till I was 42, but I am finally there. I like who I am becoming. There are a few things that I still need to change. But they are not so big that they have an impact on my new friendship. I will gently help myself to accomplish the personal goals I have set for me. Maybe in 2010 I'll share those personal goals. I'm not sure I can yet.

So Christmas has come and gone and I am surrounded by a blanket of white outside. It is beautiful here in Minnesota. I am not feeling suffocated and dark as I usually do at this time. I may still face the winter blues, but I am ready. I am prepared to let the blues in for a tad, if they come a calling. Today the hardest things I have to deal with are getting my house in order for a New Year's Eve party and saying goodbye to Not-so-Little #1. She will be moving in with her dad for a few months. She will still be in MN, but not as close by.

She is going to get a break from her life. She needs to change some behaviors that have left her feeling like her life is going nowhere. I hope that she can take this break and get to know herself and love herself for the beautiful soul that she is. I have been where she is. I have had my spirit in captivity like she does. It is my wish for her that she is able to set hers free also. I don't know if she will accomplish this in 6 months time. Maybe she has no intention of changing and is just trying to escape for a bit till the smoke clears. Whatever she does or doesn't do really is up to her. I love her no matter who she is.

This coming year is going to be one filled with trials for me. Not-so-Little #1 trying to make a change, Not-so-Little #2 becoming a daddy and enlisting in the Army, and the decision to keep the Littles in school or bring them back home. These will all happen sometime in 2010. Along with the other trials that I have no idea about. I'm ready. I'm confident that no matter what comes my way, I will be ok.

I hope that the holidays have been merry & bright for all of you whether you celebrate or not. I also hope that 2010 comes to you with open arms and wraps you in a warm hug. See you next year.

Just my thoughts.

Here is what I DO know

There was a time in my life when I needed to know it all. During this time, any little drama or change in routine would put me into a tail spin. I hated not being in control and not knowing what was going to happen next or what other people were thinking. It made me feel small and insecure. Not knowing meant I was stupid and less than. I would often turn to others to protect me. I would look to others to bring me peace of mind.

I had no idea that all I really needed to do was look within and embrace the Divine. I simply needed to let things be. No answers were necessary. No protection was necessary. Peace of mind resided within. Trusting myself was all I really needed.

So what DO I know now. Not a whole lot. There are things happening in my life right now that I have no control over. There will always be things that I am powerless over. I can chose to accept things or I can chose to try to force the outcome that I desire. Forcing leads to fear and pain. Acceptance leads to peace, hope and love.

I don't know if Not-so-Little #1 is really going to go to out-patient treatment for alcohol abuse or whether she'll be able to pull herself out of the whole she's in. I don't know if Not-so-Little #2 is prepared to be a daddy or what will happen if he joins the Army like he says he wants to do. I don't know if I'm ready to be a grandmother. Those are just some of the things I don't know.

Here is what I DO know. I do know that my Not-so-Little #1 has a spirit that is waiting to shine. And when she goes within she'll find it there with open arms. I do know that Not-so-Little #2 has a ton of love in his heart for this wee little one and that he is stepping up where many 17 year olds would run away. I do know that no matter where he ends up he'll be the best dad he can be. I do know that I have enough love in my heart for a gazillion grandbabies and that love will show me how to be the best grandmother I can be.

I am comforted by what little I actually know. I am happy not being a know-it-all. I love just letting my life happen. I am more present and I have peace of mind. My life if full and happy. Crazy happy!! Ok, right now its a bit more on the crazy side, but still happy.

Just my thoughts.

Tis the season to be...stressed?

I believe its supposed to be "Tis the season to be jolly" and I find myself a tad bit less stressed than I usually am at this time of year. I have always considered myself somewhat of a Scrooge and suffer from an over abundance of stress. I do enjoy certain things about this holiday season, but there are a couple that I find extremely annoying. So annoying that they usually over-shadow any joy that the season may bring. Santa and the idea that kids need a bunch of presents are the two biggest thorns in my side during the holidays.

I don't really remember whether I believed in Santa as a child. If I did it was short-lived. My fondest childhood Christmas memories seem to be centered around the decorations, the music, the food and, of course, the gazillion presents that surrounded our tree each year. I come from a family of 5 kids and our parents always over-extended themselves financially each Christmas. It seemed like it took us hours to finish opening all of our packages, and then the next morning our stockings would be over-stuffed with more treasures. It saddens me to think that the one thing that brought so much joy to us kids, more than likely caused strife among our parents. I have a feeling that watching the joy in our faces as we unwrapped each new gift made it seem worth it to our parents. But was it really?

I struggle each year with the urge to over-indulge the Littles. I feel guilty when there are only a few presents under the tree. I would love to be able to give them every item on their wish list. It would be easy to remedy. We could just max out a few credit cards each year and pay them off in time to do the whole thing over again the next year. I really just don't want to give the Littles the message that this time of year is only magical if you receive, receive, receive. I feel like that is the message I received. I can remember the let down when my parents finally had no choice, but to cut back. And I was an adult when that happened. So we don't over-indulge the Littles, but I do feel that we need to have a special holiday tradition to make up for the small amount of gifts they receive.

Please feel free to share whatever the holiday traditions that your family celebrates. I would love to gather ideas.

The other issue is centered around Santa. I think that this is the number one issue that turns me Scroogish. I have not liked how I feel like a liar. I don't like misleading the Littles into believing in this make-believe giver of gifts. I hate answering questions like why do my friends get things like Nintendo DS and Wii from Santa and we don't. Why do some kids get nothing from Santa? I don't even know how I responded to those questions, but I'm sure it was a lame answer. To me anything but the truth feels like a lame answer.

I remember when Not-so-Little #1 found out the truth about Santa. She was not happy with me. Not because I lied to her, but because I told her the truth. She didn't want to know. She wanted to hold on to the magic. Not-so-Little #2 was more like me, he just came to know and was fine with it. That brings me to Little #3. He is 11 years old and refuses to believe that his parents are Santa. I have never told him this and he is wise not to ask. All he ever says is that friends at school tell him that Santa is his parents and he chooses not to believe them. Is this healthy? Should I be concerned? I did overhear him tell his younger brother (who I am sure knows the truth and doesn't care) that he was afraid to ask me for the truth, because that would mean that I had lied to him. I did lie.

I am at a point where I am no longer comfortable with the Santa lie. I know that millions and millions of children are told the same thing and they are all fine, but I associate too much negativity around this fib. Yet when I watch movies like The Polar Express I am filled with the wonder and magic of the season. I get a good feeling when I see adults wearing t-shirts that say I believe in Santa. We have a wall hanging in our house that says "this house believes in Santa", and I really like the idea of holding on to a child-like wonder around the holidays. So I am conflicted as what to do. How can I be honest with the Littles, and still allow them to be filled with wonder and joy? I am really at a loss as to what to do.

Have any of you ever dealt with this conflict? Maybe you could share how you have handled it.

I know that even with these two issues I have with the holidays, this holiday will be wonderful. I know that this year the gratitude I feel for all the blessings I have in my life will be more powerful then the conflicts. I hope that no matter how you celebrate this time of year that you are filled with joy and gratitude. I hope that you are able to enjoy the simple things and not get wrapped up in the hype. Peace be to you all.

Just my thoughts.

Tantrums aren't just for kids anymore

Little #6 is 4 years old. Out of all my kids, she is the best tantrum thrower I have been blessed with. We experience no less than 3 tantrums from the baby Little daily. Some are short lived and some are dragged out for what feels like an eternity. She throws tantrums for the usual reasons. Not getting to do what she wants to do, having to do something she doesn't want to do, somebody touched her, somebody looked at her, nobody will play with her, somebody wants to play with her, etc., etc., etc.

Basically it comes down to the fact that just about anything will bring on a tantrum from this precious little flower. These past few days I have grown incredibly irritated by her tantrums. It is obvious to me by the amount of times each day she ends up screaming and throwing herself on the floor, that my baby Little is in a bit of a funk. It reminds me of what I'm like when I'm in a funk. How out of sync I feel and how I tend to be lacking in patience and understanding.

Yesterday I was definitely out of sync right along with baby Little. My tantrums look different from hers, however. I don't take my socks and shoes off and throw them. I don't scream. I don't start crying. Wait a minute. Yes, I do start crying and I am screaming up a storm on the inside. (But I do NOT take my socks and shoes off and throw them.) So maybe my tantrums aren't that different after all.

What led up to my tantrum yesterday? I woke up in a foul mood. I even grumbled through my meditation. Then I remembered that it was Tuesday.

Tuesday and Thursday are the days of the week that I volunteer at the Littles' school in the morning. I have grown to really dislike Tuesday and Thursday. I help out in two classes. Both of them math classes. I have always had an aversion to math. So I found it somewhat humorous that I would be asked to help out in the subject that makes me feel the most inadequate. I am no longer amused.

So I decided yesterday that I didn't want to go to school and nobody could MAKE me. I was tired of helping out in classes that made me feel stupid. The math curriculum they use is stupid and I didn't want anything to do with it. Who does math like that? I want to be a free-spirit and my spirit doesn't want to do math. Blah, blah, blah. So you see, I was really set on NOT helping out. And I didn't. I had myself so worked up that I just went in and said that I would not be available this week. I convinced myself that I just needed a week off. Then I would be ready to go back. Will I be?

I left the school in tears. Why was I crying? I had just done what I wanted to do. I had just freed myself from the clutches of 3rd & 4th grade math. Yes, that is what I said. 3rd & 4th grade math makes me feel inadequate and stupid. (I'm laughing now!!)

I know that math classes can not really make me feel inadequate and stupid. I am the only one who can do that. So what is it about these math classes that make me cringe? I can do 3rd & 4th grade math. I just can't do it the way that their curriculum teaches it. So I end up helping the kids do it the way I know how, which confuses them. So they tell me that that is not the "right" way. Then I get confused and want to raise MY hand for help from the teacher.

I guess I don't know why I allow myself to feel inadequate and stupid. I don't know why I am afraid that my kids' teachers will think less of me if I don't know how to "do" this kind of math. All I know is that it has to stop. I have to be ok with not knowing how to do it the "right" way. (Even though it is so NOT the right way)

I'm not really being completely honest here. I think I have an idea as to why I am having these feelings of inadequacy. Over the last month or so I have allowed my house to become chaotic and unorganized again. I have 2 rooms in my basement that are storing all the stuff I haven't gone through yet. I have been avoiding those rooms and it has finally gotten to the point where I can no longer put it off. My Spirit is feeling suffocated again. I don't wake up feeling Light anymore. The heaviness has returned.

So just like a 4 year old who is feeling like things are out of her control, I am feeling like things are spinning out of control and so tantrums are inevitable. I attach a lot of shame on myself when it comes to my cluttering. That shame builds up and it spreads itself out to enclose my entire Spirit.

It's time to stop throwing tantrums and stop making myself feel bad. Time to make a plan and muster up some motivation to just get started. I've been here before and I know that I can get back the Light that is missing. Time to start climbing that mountain so that I can get to the top and look down at all the majestic beauty that awaits me.

Stay tuned...

Just my thoughts.

Saying nothing at all

I seriously am having a hard time getting myself to sit down and blog lately. I have always looked forward to blogging. I have always come away from a post with a good feeling. Like I had just had the an awesome conversation with a good friend. This week, however, I have struggled with initiating this conversation. I haven't taken the time to analyze this and figure out why, because I just don't feel the need to. I'm sure I could come up with all sorts of philisophical reasons why I draw a blank when I sit down, but the truth is, I just don't have anything to say.

I want this blog to be real. I want this blog to be where my truest self can have a voice. I don't want this blog to be a place where I start to create stuff so that I can come off as some uber spiritually evolving wonder woman. I've been guilty of saying what I think people want to hear in the past. When I lost 120 lbs, I would often speak in front of groups of people. The words that came out of my mouth very rarely matched what my spirit was saying inside. I was just concerned with appearances then. I had to come off as the perfect 'skinny' person. I wasn't being made to do this by anyone other than myself.

So, on Wednesday, when I sat down to blog and I struggled with what to say I just walked away. I didn't walk away frustrated. I didn't walk away thinking that I have nothing to say that would interest anyone. I simply let myself have nothing to say. I guess I don't feel obligated to blog. I love the feeling of completeness that I have when I finish a post. Even the times when I am struggling in my life, I still walk away from my posts feeling like I said what needed to be said. I don't ever want to start putting out posts that are full of shiny, happy fluff or emotionally moving gibberish.

I need to keep it real. Even if keeping it real means not saying anything. This blog has been an amazing tool in helping me lift myself up out of the hell I was living in. It has been a safe place for me to get my thoughts out of my head and heart. I cherish the time that I spend here just as I cherish the time I spend with family and friends.

I love sharing my journey towards a shiny, happy life. I love sharing the pain that life throws my way also. I really appreciate all of the bloggers out there in the blogosphere who are also keeping it real. I have learned from all of you that it is ok to share my soul here and that it is also ok to say nothing at all.

Just my thoughts.

Returning to a forgotten practice

I have been thinking a lot about meditation these days. Everytime I read a blog post or an article about meditation my Spirit stirs. It's telling me that its time to begin again. It's letting me know that communing with the Divine everday is, well, divine.

There was a time about 3 years ago when I had a meditation practice every morning. It was something I did because the sponsor I had in a certain 12-step program I belonged to, told me to do it every morning. It looked like me sitting in a chair with my eyes closed and my mind racing here and there and then I would eventually just fall asleep. There was no connection with the Divine. There couldn't be. My heart was cold then and my Spirit was in captivity. I couldn't hear what my Spirit wanted because I couldn't find my Spirit. I gave up that meditation practice a little over a year ago and never tried again.

I have had brief periods of time when I would attempt to meditate to help center myself. Each time would be the same results. Mind racing, no concentration, frustration and eventually I would just give up.

Recently, however, I have been listening to my Spirit. It longs to be quiet and connect with the Divine. I even tried some of those powerful meditations that I have come across. I loved the way that I felt after each meditation, but I still struggled to turn it into a daily practice. I needed to make my own meditation practice. A meditation that I knew was tailored specifically to me. So I have created one based on what I feel the most connected to.

Here's my perfect, just for Jill, meditation practice. I get up at day break and wander outside to sit on a blanket in the woods under the biggest, oldest tree I can find. My back rests at the trunk of this wise old tree and I close my eyes and let Tree Energy connect me to the most Divine. I can feel myself becoming one with the tree, one with nature, one with Light. My Spirit and I hang out there together long enough to be filled with the energy of the Divine. Just enough energy to get me through the day, until the next day when the whole thing starts over. Perfection.

There's only one problem with this perfect meditation. I live in MN and it's freezing at day break, and I don't live in the woods. I live in town with neighbors who would love to talk about the crazy lady sitting under the tree every morning. So it appears that my perfect meditation will remain perfect if only in my mind.

Now here's how my "real" meditation looks like. I rise at 6 am and wander into the living room. Put on my meditation CD of music inspired by nature, Native American tradition and the sound of the Far East. I sit comfortably in my big comfy chair and close my eyes. I guide myself out into the woods at day break, sitting on a blanket under the biggest, oldest tree I can find. I've written about this tree here. My back is resting at the trunk of this wise old tree and I close my eyes and ask the tree to connect me to the most Divine. I can feel myself becoming one with the tree, one with nature, one with Light. My Spirit and I hang out there together long enough to be filled with the energy of the Divine. Just enough energy to get me through the day, until the next day when the whole thing starts over. Perfection.

I love my new meditation made just for me. It is just what I need to start my day off. (I used to think it was coffee that I needed) I connected with Tree Energy today without even leaving my warm home. I connected with Spirit and the Divine and I still feel connected 7 hours later.

Do you have a meditation practice? Please share if you do.

If you would like one, but struggle with knowing what to do, I would suggest you visit Janice Lynne Lundy's blog, Awake is Good. You can find her blog here. She has Meditation Mondays and I have gotten some very good meditation wisdom from her.

Happy meditating!!

Just my thoughts.

Leaving the darkness

Have you ever wanted to leave a place so bad it hurts? I am having a hard time shaking this sadness that has overcome me. I have to say that since I started feeling this way, today is probably the worst day. I keep hearing my mind saying over and over that I need to get out of this place. The only problem is that I don't know what this "place" is. Is it this home, this town or this darkness that I have wandered into?

So I have to look at all three of the "places" that I may want to leave. My home has always been a sore spot for me. Ever since we moved here I have struggled with making it feel like my home. I have struggled with keepig the clutter down and even though I went through a major decluttering it still feels like I am being suffocated. Phase 2 of my decluttering needs to be started, but I feel as though I don't have the strength to begin right now. There is one thing about living in this house that I would miss and that is my backyard. All the trees and the birds and the other wildlife that occasionally visit make my Spirit shine. I would miss them greatly.

That brings me to the second "place". The town I live in. I have never liked or felt like a part of this community. Honestly, there is one thing that keeps me here, and that is the fact that Mr. Man owns a business here. He takes great pride in this business and I will always fully support his decision to live here. I have been here for a little over 13 years and I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I struggle with a lack of spiritual community. I want to share my spiritual journey with others, but I see all the intolerance for people who are "different" and I am unable to be myself because of it. I do have 3 friends here in town who I feel I can be myself with and I am thankful for their friendships. I don't spend a lot of time with them, but I know I could at any time. I feel safe with these three fabulous women and that makes my spirit shine also. Someday I will feel strong enough to show my true self to others too, but right now I don't feel secure in doing that. I guess its time for me to step out of myself and reach out to the people who will let me be me.

So now I must face the third "place" that I may need to leave. This darkness that has surrounded me. Of course I need to leave it. I guess the question that is in my mind is whether I can leave it behind or if it is here because I am in these other two "places". Am I feeling this pain because I am making myself be in physical places that my Spirit longs to leave? Or am I wanting to leave these "places" because the darkness is trying to keep me stuck in sadness? Am I even making any sense?

Depression has come knocking at my door and it is really muddling up my mind, but I am still very aware that my Spirit has a voice and I am listening ever so carefully. It is easy to distinguish my Spirit's voice from this darkness. My Spirit speaks softly and lovingly and this darkness is always yelling at me. Sometimes its hard to hear the soft voice over all the yelling.

I have a choice here. I can continue to allow this dark friend to stick around or I can finally send it packing. I do believe that the choice is mine. However, I may need some help in getting rid of the darkness. For one, I need to start up my Vitamin D again. I can also go pick up some nice herbal tea. I can reach out to my friends and see about having a girls day. I can go back to my on-line communities of Facebook and Twitter. I can get Phase 2 of decluttering underway. I can start exploring my spirituality again. I can stop keeping my Spirit and my True Self hidden from those around me. I have a choice. The choice to be free or the choice to be held in captivity. I've got experience with both.

I'm getting out of this "place". This dark "place" that is sucking the life out of me. I've been here long enough now. I may have needed to be here, but my sentance has been served and now it is time to be freed. Good bye my dark friend. I'm sure you'll be back some day, but for now it is time to part ways. It is time for me to join the living once again.

I am giving my Sprit a warm hug and I am extending a warm hug out to all of you who may struggle with the darkness. It is a sad and scary place to be, but it doesn't have to be a lifetime sentance. Reach out to family and friends in anyway that you can. Don't forget to reach "in" to your Spirit and let it gently guide you out of the darkness. It is there to help. My love is pouring out to all of you who read this. I am grateful to you all.

Just my thoughts.