Dearest Dreadful December

December is here again. It is hard to face December, because it is a time of being with family and friends and, at the same time, it is a time of deep introspection for me. A time when I pull back from the world and go into hiding. Hibernation if you will. It is hard to gather with people when all you want to do is disappear.

This year is no different. It's not December, though, it's me. December is simply a month on the calendar. It doesn't bring the baggage, I already own it. For many years, I have dreaded the coming of December, specifically the Christmas holiday. Yet, at the same time, I have cherished what the season brings.  

It brings time with my Mr. Man and the Littles, that I would not otherwise have. It brings Winter in and the promise of the returning of the light.  December means beautiful holiday light displays and some of the most peaceful and nostalgic music to listen to. December brings lovely family traditions, some from my childhood and some created by my Mr. Man and myself for our children.

As much as I try to focus on the good that ushers in with December, I find myself clinging to the darkness.  To the pain that others deal with during this time of holiday cheer.  To SAD that always sneaks in as well. To this feeling of being broken that follows me.

I get angry about all the gift giving. Not because I don't like giving. I like giving. I don't like the idea of giving "stuff" to people who have everything they could possibly need when there are people around me who have so little. I really want to take the money we spend on presents for family and friends and give it to those who don't have the option of buying presents for family and friends.

Don't get me wrong, we do give to those less fortunate during the holiday season, but in my eyes, we don't give enough. We can't possibly give enough. Why does there have to be so much value on buying this and that? Why does there have to be this made up dude who brings presents for all the good little boys and girls, but not if you're poor or homeless.  Santa only caters to certain good little boys and girls. 

The crazy thing is that I'm guilty of the Santa lie and this tradition of gift-giving. One of my biggest parenting regrets. I grew up loving Christmas because it meant I was going to get a ton of presents. I remember very little from my childhood, but I do remember that excitement and wonder. I want my kids to feel that excitement and wonder. I just wish that those feelings of excitement and wonder could come without the presents. 

I know that I was just a kid, but I didn't care that all those presents put my parents in financial debt every year. My mom did her best, I'm sure, to make sure that we knew the real meaning behind Christmas. But in reality, I just wanted those gifts. I wanted to sit around the tree with all my siblings and be surrounded by a sea of wrapping paper and boxes. I'm pretty sure that if a Grinch had ever stolen my Christmas, there would have been no singing and roast beast eating. There would have been a lot of crying and wailing. Sad.

I feel like a failure as a parent every year at this time. I have always been one to do better when I knew better, but this whole "Christmas" thing gets me every year. I have empathy for the less fortunate, but will I give up the gift buying for them? Heck no. Will I give up the look of joy on my kids faces when they open that new "thing"? Heck no. We, as a family, don't volunteer our time for the needy. We take part in an Adopt a Family each year, but that is the extent of it. We don't expose our children to the reality of the less fortunate. We talk about it, but we don't expose them to it.  Sad.

So will this December be no different than the years past? Will I spend it feeling more Scrooge-like than Who-like? Will I be resentful about the amount of money we spend and guilty that we don't do more for those less fortunate than us? Will I long for a peaceful, calm holiday season where we fill it with experiences with each other in place of gifts? 

I don't know the answer to any of these questions today, but I do know that something has to change. My expectations, my perceptions or my actions have to change. Perhaps all of them? I guess I will have to see how this dearest dreadful December plays out. Will I continue to choose a December being stressed out and Scrooge-like? Or will I choose a December filled with peaceful content. 

I feel the pull of both. 

An Unsolicited Tip

Perhaps there are clouds in your life.  Situations that are wearing you down or quite possibly beating the shit out of you.  You may or may not have any control over the situation.  You may or may not have the strength to fight.  You know in your head that there is nothing that you can do, even though the reality might be different.  People will offer you all kinds of encouraging advice to help you get through it.  Advice that, mostly, comes from a place of love.  However, it may also come from a place of control or a place of annoyance.  And what they want you to do, no matter where it comes from, is HARD.

Don't do anything they have offered.  Just don't.

The simplest of suggestions is monumentally hard when that shit storm is swirling around you. Don't make it worse by taking on the guilt of not being able to feel better.

Simply tell them "thank you" and then don't do any of it.  Remember what they gave you, but don't try any of it until you can.

You'll know when that is possible.

So what can you do?  When all seems lost and you just don't want to try anymore?  Or when there is nothing you can do about any of it anyway?

What can you do?

Simply this.  Close your eyes.  Place your hand upon your heart.  Feel it.  Feel every beat.

That's you.  You're a living, breathing person.  You are a miracle.  

Now think of another living being human (or animal) that is probably happy that YOU have a heartbeat.  Maybe they need you or maybe they are just happy that you are simply living on this earth.

If you can't think of any other living creature, then think of me.  I will be that person for you today.

Let the realization, that there is at least one other being in your world that is happy that you are alive, sit within your heart.  Carry that with you through the day.  Let it be the thing that just gets you through this moment in time.

You are going to have many days where you can face the storm and keep on keepin' on.  You are going to have many days when you can't.  Turn to your heart on those days.  Let your heartbeat show you the miracle that you are.

Our days are all numbered.  We all have the same number of hours in a day to either get it right or suck at it.  And as long as that heartbeat is present, we are going to get it right and we are going to suck.

But one thing remains constant.

We are all alive.  

We all wake up in the morning with the life we have.  So either live it or let the heartbeat lead you along.  Either way you are still alive.

You are still a miracle.

Someone is happy about that.

Seeing and Being Me

I haven't been here for a very long time.  As I sit here writing this, I feel a ton of resistance. Uncertainty. Writing feels foreign to me. Like I've never done it before. Why am I writing this? Who am I talking to? Am I even visible to people? Being invisible has been my super power. If things ever got tough, I could make myself invisible in the wink of an eye. Poof! I'm gone. I can retreat deep within the caves of my soul and just hide there.

Sometimes it feels safe there. Safe from the watchful eyes and harsh judgement of others. Safe from people looking at me in disgust. Safe from being reminded that I just don't fit in. That I weigh too much. That my hair is too gray. That I can't take care of my kids, my home or my husband.

Other times it feels confining and scary. Like I'm being held prisoner. Trying to find the way out, but not being able to see through the darkness. And I would stay in the darkness until I felt brave enough to attempt to feel my way out.

In both cases I would always reappear, ready to take on the world. Renewed and refreshed. Until the next time I needed to be invisible. Its a vicious cycle. One that needed to be broken. In both cases the only one I was really hiding from was myself.  It was my watchful eyes and harsh judgement that I needed to escape from. I was the only one holding myself captive in scary dark places. I was the one who made it possible to be invisible.

Why? Why would anyone want to be invisible? I'm sure that there is all kinds of psychology behind why a person would want to be invisible and why they let their own self-loathing push them into hiding. And the Virgo in me wants to research that and learn all about it and then file it away into my organized file of "Things I Will Just Forget". Honestly, though, I don't care. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it doesn't apply to me anymore. I have relinquished my invisibility powers. *Poof* 

Did I consciously do this? No. I had no idea that I was going to wake up one day and "see" myself as worthy of being visible. I had no idea that one act on my part would catapult me fully into my whole self.

Something as simple as cutting my hair. Well, shaving my head, to be specific. I suppose its not everyday that a woman shaves her head, but it was a simple act. I did it with a friend, who was doing it because of chemotherapy. It didn't feel like a big deal for me. It was just something I could do with a friend who wasn't getting a choice about it. 

I had no idea that my life would change forever. That my spirit would light up and I would feel a sense of freedom from the chains that I used to bind myself with. To be honest, I do think that my soul knew that I hid behind my hair. I have entertained the idea of shaving my head in the past, but quickly dismissed it as crazy. Certain that I would be cast out by my family and friends. So instead, I let it grow longer. And longer. I determined that my long locks were symbolic of the Wild Woman inside of me that was going to make her way out.... someday.

So here she is. Demanding that I drop the invisibility shit. Demanding that I drop regrets and fears and self-limiting thoughts. I still have gray hair. I am still overweight. I'm still not a perfect mother, wife or housekeeper. Those things no longer define who I am. Without regret, fear and feeling worthless, those parts of me are just parts of me. Parts of the whole package. 

And I think this whole package is pretty amazing. And happy. And joyous. And free.  Ready to be seen. Ready to be me.

The Unknowing

The unknowing may bring you to your knees.

Leaving you lying there enclosed in pain.

Deep pain that no amount of Love or kind words can heal.

The Unknowing blasts through our fortress of patience and acceptance.

Leaving a path of destruction that can only be mended by walking through it.

Under the rubble lays Hope, Love and our Divine.

The Divine is there patiently waiting to greet us.

Ready to wrap us up in a blanket of Trust and Strength and Divine Love.

Ready to hold us close as we weep.

Ready to take the punches when we’re mad as hell.

Ready to assure us that Hope walks alongside our heavy heart.

The unknowing may bring me to my knees.

My Divine supports me on the way.  

I write this today for a dear friend who is facing this Unknowing.  I hope she finds her way through the rubble.  

I'm a Doodler!!

For as long as I can remember, I have had an aversion to creating anything with my hands.  Not just a typical aversion.  I would have actual anxiety attacks over having to use these two hands to "make" something.  If it was writing, I could do it.  But add crayons, pens, paints, needles to the mix and I was not going to have anything to do with it.  I come from a family of creative souls.  Whether it be painting, drawing, writing or singing, my siblings and mother could do some amazing things with creativity.  Then there was me.  I don't know where this block came from.  It doesn't matter.  I know that I created it and held on tight for my entire life.

A little over a month ago, my good friend and artist, Dawn-Marie deLara (you can find her amazing work here) heard me say that I could not doodle. I admitted to this block that I have had my entire life.  How when I would try to create something it usually ended with me in tears or absolutely angry.  I was a creative mess.  So she challenged me to just sit down and doodle.  For 30 days.  Just doodle and see what comes out.  

I think I may have just laughed at the suggestion, but it did spark my curiosity.  Could I do it?  Could I actually sit down and doodle and not be filled with self-hate and disgust? I pondered for a couple of days.  As I pondered, my Little #5 gently coaxed me to do it.  She was finishing up an art lesson with my amazing artist friend and heard the challenge.  Little #5 is an amazing doodler, as is her oldest sister.  They had the doodle gene that I was sure was missing from me.

Then my pondering just dissolved and I was sitting down one morning doodling! What the hell!! How did that happen? I have no idea.  There have been others in my life who have encouraged me to explore my creative side.  Encouraging me to doodle or draw or just color in a coloring book.  All on deaf ears.  Because I whole heartedly believe that you're not ready until you're ready.  Not a minute sooner.

I guess I was ready because what happened next is nothing short of a miracle.  I made that first doodle and I felt so alive.  I was bursting with energy.  I felt like a little kid.  I wanted to do more.  Out of that excitement and deep desire to share I created 30 Days of Doodle.  It was to be my space to display my doodles to anyone who cared.  Mostly it was my space to showcase my doodles to me.  I wasn't nervous about posting my doodles.  I honestly have no more creative blocks.  I have no embarrassment about people seeing my work.  

My 1st doodle

As a matter of fact, I'll share all of them here.  30 Days of Doodle is for anyone who just needs to play and explore with their inner creativity.  We all have it.  Yours isn't going to look like mine.  My doodles are just that.  Mine.  But I would love to see other doodles there.  My 30 days ended today.  

My 30th doodle

My doodling doesn't end today.  Doodling has become a part of my daily flow now.   It has become a daily practice. Similar to someones meditation or another persons Morning Pages.  I get out of bed each morning eager to see how the days doodle with turn out.  Some I have struggled with.  Most have just flowed from my hand with no thought to where there are going. 

I don't know that I will continue to post every doodle, but I will continue to share those that feel that they need to be shared.  Today I can say with pride, "I am a doodler!"

I hear you knocking at my door

I hear you knocking at my door. Gently tapping. Trying to coax me to open up and let you in. I sit in silence and wait for you to go.

I hear you knocking at my door. Urgently knocking. Begging me to let you in. I sit in silence and wonder if I should let you in.

I hear you knocking at my door. Pounding loudly. Screaming at me to open the door. I sit in silence. Shaken and unsure. I know what happens when the door opens. It happens every time.

You come in and get settled. You keep me a prisoner in my own home. You seduce me with false assurances of safety. You encourage me with lies, to distance myself from all those I love. You make me miserable.

Every. Time.

I hear you knocking at my door. Pounding loudly. Screaming at me to open the door. I sit in silence. Shaken yet strong.

I hear you knocking at my door. Urgently knocking. Begging me to let you in. I sit in silence. Hopeful that you will move on.

I hear you knocking at my door. Gently tapping. Trying to coax me to open up and let you in. I sit in silence as you take leave.

I sit in silence. Safe.

This time….

I dedicate this to all of you out there who have ever dealt with depression, SAD, anxiety, anger, resentment, fear or whatever that "thing" is that turns your world upside down.  May we all see the day when we can just sit in silence and wait for the knocking to stop.

I Love You

"I love you." Three of the scariest words to say.  At least they always have been for me.  Maybe not scary, but definitely left me feeling awkward.  Even with my family.  I would say them out of a sense of duty.  Mostly uttering them only after they were said to me.

I'm not ready to have a big ole Love fest yet, but I feel so much more at ease with these three words these days.  I feel comfortable using them.  I say them to my Littles (the ones still living with me) and Mr. Man everyday.  Yes, every day.  I have done that for months.  Not years, months.  I came to the conclusion, on my own, that if I were to "feel the Love" more, I had to "be the Love" more.  So I set a goal to tell everyone I saw that I loved them.

Yeah, that didn't pan out.  I put myself in the shoes of a 13-year-old boy whose friend's mom just told him she loved him, and decided that that would not be a good idea.  So I chose to declare my love for my immediate family.  I have to admit that it felt awkward.  There were many days where I had to go into a child's room after they were in bed to tell them I loved them, because I almost forgot.  Now it comes naturally and I say it more than once a day.

And now I feel like I need to carry this out to extended family and friends.  I feel a need to open my heart wider and experience more of this thing called Love.  Do I share my Love with people who are not used to it?  Do I risk the chance of making them feel uncomfortable?  I don't want to be the reason for someone's discomfort.  Or do I?

My children have been telling me they love me for ever.  It made me feel uncomfortable at times.  I didn't feel uncomfortable because they loved me, but because I would have to say those three words back.  I would have to open up my heart a crack to eek out those words.  But thanks to my children and numerous other people in my life, I don't feel so uncomfortable now.

I have always known that I have Love in my heart.  It was the actual "feeling" that seemed to be foreign to me.  My last post was about anger.  I am very familiar with anger.  And since I have determined that I could let anger go, I have also determined that I can let Love in.  I can let the seed of Love blossom in my heart.

I get to chose how fast it grows.  I get to let it grow like weeds or let it slowly come to the surface.  It is all up to me.  I have been through a transformation over the last few months.  One that has been uncomfortable and anxiety inducing.  Anger and fear were winning.  I acknowledged that and said "No more!"

Love is the way.  Love is what is left standing when anger and fear are dissolved.  I have enough Love in my heart for everyone in my life.  Yes, everyone.  Even the people who are frightened by my beliefs. Even the people who refuse to speak to me. Even the people who will never Love me back.  I get to chose where my Love goes.

I can "feel" Love today.  I feel it in my heart.  It feels amazing to know that I am Love.  I was born filled with Love and I will have a never ending supply of Love for ever and ever and ever.  No one or no thing can ever take that away from me.  And no one or no thing can ever take it away from you.  You are Love, too.

I Love You!!

(Hey! That didn't even feel awkward.)