Transformation and solitude

So I can't believe its been almost 3 weeks since my last post.  I've been experiencing a whole lot of change since then.  Healing in leaps and bounds spiritually and emotionally.  I have gone from feeling like an empty shell to feeling so full of Light and Life that I usually feel like I'm going to burst.  How's that for transformation?

How did I get here?  That story is coming, but just not today.  Let me just say that I have been transformed and I am still going through this transformation.  I have been handed a new life and getting used to living it has been so exhilarating.  Its amazing to me how when you're ready the heart opens to reveal so much beauty and joy.  And, yes, I do believe that you have to be ready to receive this.  I also believe that I was not ready until now.

So here's where I am today.  I have been able to let go of most of the fears that I was holding on to.  I have been able to release any shame and guilt that was buried within me.  I openly embrace that all that I need is already within me.  I am good enough just the way that I am. 

This healing came to me quite rapidly.  I had some help from a fabulous transformational healer and a fabulous massage therapist.  I met with both of them in the same week and the results were amazing.  (Again, I will go into detail about this at a later time.)

So for the next couple of weeks, I found myself learning how to live again.  Learning how to handle ALL the energy and feelings that were overpowering to me.  Let me tell you, I have learned some awesome techniques for grounding myself.  (That will be a blog post coming up, too.)  I was also called to process all of this on my own.  I had to learn how to live again in solitude.  I had to keep to myself and not allow any outside influence or opinion in.  So I went within the best that I could.

Do you know how hard it is to go within and be solitary in a house with 8 other people?  Not an easy task.  Not to mention that during this time of solitude 4 of the Littles became sick and needed their mama.  Even through all of the everyday distractions, I found pockets of time to steal away and just be by myself.  I learned how to listen to my Spirit while driving the Littles to school.  I learned that going within for guidance is the only way to get answers and find peace.

I've always believed that the Divine lives inside of my Spirit.  I have not always believed that I deserved to feel this Divine Guidance.  Today I believe and I know that I am deserving.  I smile.  I laugh at little silly things.  I hold my Littles a little longer and I feel a warmth in my soul that didn't seem to be there before.  I am drawn to nature even more than I was before.  Mother Earth is even more a part of my spirituality.  God is more a part of my spirituality.  Mother Mary is more a part of my spirituality.  I've always considered my spirituality to be like a big quilt, but it seemed like an unfinished quilt.  Like a project that I had started a few years ago, but put it away because it was getting too hard.  I've taken that quilt out and am completing it more and more each day.

I know that through discussing this transformation some people will feel uncomfortable.  I may lose some friends.  People who I was just beginning to get to know, may decide that we are just not on the same path. It is something that I am willing to risk.  I need to be authentic and honest with who I am and how healing happens for me.  Its what I do.  How can I encourage others to heal if I myself can not be honest with where I am on this path?

My Reiki even feels different.  I honestly never used to feel much intuitively or physically when giving or receiving Reiki.  Now I am learning to be aware of all the physical sensations and mental images that I receive while doing Reiki.  My Reiki practice is transforming right along with me.  I feel even more determined to help guide others in their healing journey and even though I am struggling with reaching prospective clients, I know that in good time I will be able to be of service to more and more people.

My life feels big today.  Grander than grand.  I am who I am and I know that as long as I stay true to this person I will continue to move forward and I'll be able to touch more lives in a positive way.  I'm so grateful for all of you who follow this blog and have been so supportive while I've been on this journey.  I feel your energy and it has helped carry me through.  Thank you.

Just my thoughts.

Beautiful on the outside and empty on the inside.

Before you read on, I want you to know something.  I'm not depressed.  I'm not falling apart before your eyes.  I don't hate my life.  However, I do need to embrace all that I experience and I'm just getting to the root of what holds me back.  This space has always been my way of getting my thoughts out of my head and has always helped me in getting to a level of healing that I need.  Its not always pretty, but its my journey and I need to take each step as it comes.

Sometimes it feels like I am not capable of feeling.  I know that I go through the motions.  When I do Reiki for others I know that they are receiving the healing that they are getting, and I love being able to do that for them.  When my kids need a hug, I give them what they need and I know that it helps them and I love being able to that for them.  I know that I will be there for friends and family when they need me and I love being able to be there for them.

But....

I want to feel what they are feeling.  I want to feel the healing energy and the love of a hug and the security of knowing that someone has my back.  I know that I am loved and that I will be supported and taken care of, but I long for the day when I can actually 'feel' this.  You know what I mean?  I want to feel the energy of Love and Joy and Happiness.  I want to feel it in my soul. 

I very often feel like this empty shell.  Like I'm one of those beautifully decorated eggs that if you happen to drop you discover that there is nothing inside.  I am capable of loving and giving, but I struggle with receiving.  There is this block inside of me that is wedged in pretty deep.  It is there because as a child I invited it in.  I felt unsafe and I allowed this part of me to come in so I could be safe.  Unfortunately, sometimes feeling safe meant I needed to close off my ability to feel.   Which meant that as I grew older and had more intense life experiences this part of me had to get stronger and stronger. 

I'm not possessed.  I'm just very much aware of this part of me that has a hard time leaving and staying gone.  Or maybe it IS gone, but I just have to relearn how to feel things.  I don't know.  Its the not knowing that gets to me.  Its not knowing when and if I'm ever going to feel the joy of a child or the intense love of a mother.  Or if I'm ever going to feel the protection and abundance that the Divine has for me. 

I do know that if I don't keep keeping on I will become depressed.  I will fall apart in front of everyone.  I will hate my life.  I've been there before.  I really am one of the lucky ones because I am able to accept myself as a beautiful soul who really does love and live and heal.  I don't let the fact that I still feel empty inside destroy me.  Someday my inside will match my outward appearance.  I will hug people and not feel uncomfortable.  I will know great Joy, and Love and Happiness will resonate through me.  Until that day comes I will continue to walk this path that is in front of me.  I'll take some pit stops on the way and I might even go back a few paces now and then.  I will just keep going and being all that I feel I need to be.

I am very grateful for all the beauty in my life.  I am grateful for my beautiful family and friends.  I am grateful for my home and my back yard.  I am grateful for all the amazing people I have met since I started this healing journey.  I look forward to meeting many, many more.  I am grateful for you.

Keep on keeping on, people.  Keep on trudging through the muck and you'll find your Shiny.  I'm finding mine.

Just my thoughts.

 

I am that person

So here I sit typing and re-typing what should be a simple blog post.  I haven't been here in awhile and I have a gazillion things to say, but am struggling with where to begin.  So I'm just going to let the words come as they do.

For the longest time I have been searching for something.  Searching for that certain someone that I want to be.  Searching for the real, authentic Jill.  You know those typical questions.  Who am I?  Why am I here? Am I good enough?  Will people still like me when I get real?  Well, they're typical for me anyway. 

I have to admit that the answers to these questions were impossible to find.  Because I was searching for answers outside of myself.  The real, authentic Jill isn't hidden out in the big world.  She's not misplaced anywhere outside of me.  She's not someone that I have to learn to become.  She IS me.

Its so simple.  Its something I find myself telling others a lot.  The person you are is right inside of you.  So how did I get so far off track?  How could I forget the very important message that I know I have shared here many times before?

Here's what happened to me.  I have this small voice that comes and goes.  I've had this voice with me most of my life.  I would bet that many of us have this small voice at some point.  I have tried to remove it several times.  As I said, she comes and she goes.  Whenever I start to travel on a new path this voice gets scared and she feels that she needs to stay small to be safe.  If she's invisible all will be well.  So the voice gets louder.  Loud enough to be heard by me. 

"You're not good enough." 
"You don't know what you're doing." 
"You are too scared to do that." 
"This is too hard."

Those are just some of the thoughts that run through my mind when this voice is trying to keep me small.  So now that that I realize this, what can I do about it?  I can't send it away, I can't tell it to shut up.  It is a part of me.  Its a part of me that is hurt and scared.  It doesn't need to be banished.  It needs to be loved and taken care of.  Ignoring the voice doesn't help, it just gets louder.  I can choose to hear the words and not let them decide for me.  I get to choose where I go and who I am to be.  I get to be big or be small. 

There's another part of me that just wants to shine bright.  Wants to be seen.  She wants to be heard.  She wants to feel peace and joy and self-confidance.  She wants to share this with others.  She wants to be big.  Bigger than that small voice.  That's the person that I am.  That person is whole.  She's proud and she feels energized when she is touching the lives of those around her.  She's authentic.  She doesn't hide behind old patterns and behaviors.  She doesn't act like a hurt teenager.  The first thought that goes through her mind isn't "Will other people like me?"  The first thought that goes through her mind is "Am I being me?"

I am that person.  We are all 'that' person.  That real, authentic person who only wants to shine.  I think that most of us at some point choose to be small.  Fear and pain keep us there.  Choosing to let the fear and pain go allows us to be big.

So I've taken that small voice by the hand and I'm showing it that its time to move beyond the scared teenager.  Its time to grow.  I love growth.  It means that I get to continue on this path that I'm on.  It means that I am going to meet new people and experience new joys.  Will I lose old friends on the way?  Maybe.  Thats ok.  I'm grateful for everybody who has ever been a part of my life.  No matter how long it was.  Its all ok.  As long as I'm that person.

Just my thoughts.

A letter of forgiveness to me

This is a painting I did of my Root Chakra.  I painted the Chakra on the trunk of a tree  The black spot in the center symbolizes the fear that I have been living with and this letter is meant to help release the grip that fear has on me once and for all. 

Dearest Beloved Jill,

I am writing this letter to you today in hopes that you can recieve the forgiveness that you deserve once and for all.  This letter is long overdue.  You don't deserve all of the shame and guilt and unhappiness that you have carried around for so long.  So here is what I need to say:

I forgive you, Jill, for being closed off emotionally as a child.  I forgive you for hating your life as a teen.  I forgive you for being irresponsible as a young adult and turning to alcohol, men and food for comfort.  I forgive you for letting yourself get pregnant as a young, single woman.  I forgive you for being emotionally distant from your young children and your other family members for many years.  I forgive you for being financially irresponsible as a single parent.  I forgive you for starting and quitting so many 'careers'.  I forgive you for spending so many years depressed more than not.  I forgive you for allowing your home to become a place of clutter and chaos.  I forgive you for burying fear so deep inside your body that it turned you into a shell of a person.  I forgive you for keeping your Spirit tied up and gagged for most of your adult life.  I forgive you for being fake and judgemental and hurtful.  I forgive you for doubting that you could ever deserve pure, unconditional Love.  I forgive you for withholding your thoughts and feelings, and looking to others to define them instead.  I forgive you for holding on to resentment and hate for yourself.  I forgive you for not taking care of your beautiful body, mind and spirit.  I forgive you for not forgiving yourself.

You deserve to Love yourself, trust yoursef and feel secure in knowing that you are just who you need to be.  A beautiful, vibrant and shining Spirit resides inside of you and she deserves to been seen, heard and felt all around you.  You, Jill, deserve this forgiveness. You have come a long way in this lifetime.  You have been on an amazing path to healing, but it has become obvious that you have been holding on to fear that you were missing an important stepping stone. So I extend my forgiveness to you and I wish for you a bright and shiny life.  May you always know how much I love you and wish the best for you.  You ARE good enough.  You ARE beautiful on the inside and the outside.  You WILL be surrounded in abundance of all things that make your Spirit shine.

Blessings of Love to you all the days of your life.

Me 

Just my thoughts

Gettin' my whine on

So I've just spent the last 2 weeks in a marathon pity party.  You know the kind of party I'm talking about.  When things are going badly and you find yourself welcoming all the yuck.  You get comfortable with all the uncomfortable feelings that are surfacing.  My party started with a nasty virus which kept me up coughing most evenings and laying around most days.  I can't tell you when the last time I was this ill.  It has been quite a while. 

I tried to keep my chin up.  I took care of myself and repeated to myself that "this too shall pass".  It didn't.  I got sicker.  I got crankier.  Being physically exhausted gave way to emotional exhaustion as well.  I gave up.  I quite trying to feel better.  I put my chin down and sulked.  I stopped doing my daily Reiki self-healings.  I chose to get comfortable with feeling crappy and I continued to feel crappy.  Imagine that.

Then the negative self-talk reared its razor-sharp tongue.  I started spending way too much time inside my head.  Let me tell you, there are times when that can be a pretty scary place to be.  Suddenly I was not just feeling ill, I was a bad mother, bad wife, lousy friend, terrible Reiki practitioner, lazy bum and a number of other ridiculous untruths.  I didn't deserve to be healthy, I didn't deserve my family or friends and I certainly didn't deserve to have a Reiki practice.  I was gettin' my 'whine' on pretty damn good. 

As a matter of fact, I was still partying pretty heavy this morning.  Until the tears started to flow.  I had felt teary a couple of times over the last 2 weeks, but I always pushed those tears back.  Well the dam broke this morning and I couldn't even stop the tears if I wanted to.  I didn't want to.  I knew in my heart that I needed these tears.  I needed to loosen up all the yuck that I been building up for the past 2 weeks.  It wasn't Mucinex or Nyquil that I needed, it was a good cry. 

As the tears fell I felt all the 'whines' that I was hoarding begin to loosen their grip.  I loosened up the negative labels I had attached to myself.  I loosened up the insecurities and the fears about being a Reiki practitioner I had begun to convince myself of.  I loosened up the resentments I held against people close to me.  I say loosened because I don't know that I have completely released these things, but I definitely feel that they are not weighing me down like they had been.  My cough and sinus pressure has decreased significantly as well.

Coincidence?  I think not.  I think that my spirit just got tired of being told to go sit down and wait for the party to be over.  My spirit knew that the party was getting out of hand and needed to be busted up.  So I've stopped the whining and let my spirit lead me back to a safe place.  The place within my heart where the self-talk is gentle and kind.  Where I can open my mind to all the good that exists for me.  I feel peace here within.

Physically, I still feel somewhat weakened.  Emotionally, I feel refreshed and renewed.  A bit embarrassed that I carried on for so long, but ready to let all of the 'whining' go.  Yeah, I got my whine on pretty good.  I can whine with the best of them, but I can also choose to be done.  I can choose to move forward and let go of the emotions that had gotten wedged inside my body.  It feels good to let it all out. 

Now I get to clean up the mess.  The mess of a house I have now.  The laundry that is piled high.  The groceries that need to be bought.  And I might even take down our Christmas decorations tonight.  Those are the consequences of gettin' my whine on for too long.

So remember the next time you feel some tears coming on to let them fall.  Let them fall freely and wash away the yuck that is trying to gather strength.  You'll feel better sooner.

Just my thoughts.

Sunday Shine: Joyful quiet

"A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life, for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet that true joy dare live."

~ Bertrand Russell

Open

I didn't know till this morning what my word for 2011 was to be.  I pondered the last few days, but nothing ever really spoke to me.  This morning while I spent some time self-healing with Reiki the word 'open' kept coming into my mind.  It resonated with me and I knew that that was the word.  I knew exactly what it meant.  It meant living more open-hearted, being more open-minded, and having my eyes wide open to all the beauty that surrounds me each day. 

I want to be more open.  When I'm living openly, I am able to truly see and feel the Love and Beauty that is there.  I am able to express myself and not feel like I am wrong or fake.  Its not always easy for me to open up my mind and my heart.  I often close my mind to new possibilities.  I can push others away that are not like-minded.  I can be guarded and extremely particular with when and who I share my heart with. 

Sadly, the people in my life who don't always get my open-heart are my family.  My Littles, my Mr. Man and my siblings.  I manage to keep them at a distance.  This 2011, as I bring 'open' into my life, I have hope that I will open my heart up more to those closest to me.  I have hope that I will be able to take in the Love that is given to me and give it back in return. 

Yes, 'Open' is definitely the word for me.  With an open mind I will try more things, be more fearless, permit myself to move forward in my business and allow my creative side to finally have a say.  With an open mind I can put the negative side of being judgemental to rest.  I can allow others to be who they are and not disregard them simply because they don't believe what I believe.

Yep, its going to be a good year.  I have so much to be grateful for.  2010 was an amazing year of healing and abundance for me.  I know that 2011 will be filled with the same things.  There will be ups and downs.  There will be tears of joy and tears of sorrow.  With 'Open' lighting my path I will know that, through all things, I will be fine.  I can allow change and growth and healing to happen.

As I bring 'Open' into my everyday I will be able to really feel the gratitude.  I will be able to grow and bloom and shine.  Which reminds me of the mantra that a dear friend gave me almost a year ago. 

I open.  I focus.  I desire.  I flower.

Did you pick a word?  Please share it.  Let it out so that your word can work its magic.  Happiest New Year.  May your 2011 be filled with Love and Joy.

Just my thoughts.