The End.......

Time has come to say goodbye. To be done with all the things that just don't feel like they are mine to do.  This blog is one of them.

Will anyone even see this post? I have no idea, but closure is essential in saying goodbye. So here I am getting my closure. Saying farewell, to something that has both been a blessing and a curse in my life.

Having a space to share and to work through some heavy shit has been the blessing. Hiding myself and holding back my story has been the curse.

I'm not saying goodbye to sharing my experiences in this messy thing called "My Life". I'm really just getting started, but it will be somewhere else.

Where that will be is not yet clear, but its coming....

Choosing means Changing

Change.

Scariest word in the dictionary. That is probably a bit dramatic to proclaim, but today it is a fact for me. Today change is a shadowy figure standing in the background staring at me with wide open eyes and a menacing grin. Waiting for me to make my move. Ready to grab me and pull me down into a deep dark hole.

I’m told that change is good. That it can be healing and exhilarating and freeing. Today that feels like crap. Like that’s what people say who are trying to sell you some hokey transformational shit.

Sounds like something I would tell someone who was about to embark on a life-changing, exciting new something. And I would mean it and I would feel it in my soul and be so excited for them….

So why, when it comes to the changes that I see coming in to my very near future, do I freeze and panic and let fear wrap its arms around me?

Because I am super good at shining some light toward others, but when it comes to myself, I put up deflectors. I get out my blackout curtains and put them around myself and keep that light the hell out.

Because I’m human.

My human brain is hardwired to keep me safe and secure. It doesn’t give a care that change can mean the end of something that is meant to end. All it knows is that it is happiest when it is seeing and feeling familiar things. Even when familiar things are sucking the life out of the soul. The brain doesn’t care about the soul. The brain is kind of an asshole. Nothing personal, brain.

Being human for me has always meant doubting myself, belittling myself, undervaluing myself. Most definitely not allowing big changes to come in and take over. I have made changes in my life. I have had some substantial transformations in my body, mind and spirit in the last 8 months. I’ve gone through these changes several times in my adult lifetime. So I know that I can do change.

But there is more for me. More change that needs to happen. Big change. The reason that I know that these changes are going to be big is because I’m freaking out about it. Everyday my monkey mind is chattering away.

This is going to be so great!!

Oh, crap! I can’t do this!

I am finally going to live my life!

This isn’t going to work. I’ll just wait till the time is right.

Everything is lining up so perfectly.

This is going to be another fail.

Ack!!!

Deep breath….

That’s just a very small sample of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. Crazy making, right?

Wrong… its chaotic, but its exactly what I need. I need to be in conversation with my brain and my soul. Yes, I’m admitting that I talk to myself. Hey! Some of my best, most uplifting conversations have been with my self.

Choosing change can’t happen if I don’t allow myself to feel all the feels around it. I have to feel the fear in order to make the leap into the change. When I shove the fear away, I stay stuck in false comfort. When I put blinders up, I can’t feel deep in my soul how exciting it will be to choose the change.

It is a choice. I can choose to stay safe or I can choose to become the person that my soul is asking me to become.

Change.

Scariest word in the dictionary.

I’m off to experience the joy of how change can light up my soul. And then crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head….

It's Ok

It's ok......

to tell the world what sucks.
to be unhappy with where your life is.
to not love that person you see in the mirror.
to want to be left alone.
to wonder if you have the capacity to love anyone.
to want to change.
to question the existence of anything Divine.
to curse.
to feel alone.
to feel intense feelings of hopelessness.
to forget.
to dread intimacy.
to be crippled with perfectionism.
to tell your loved ones that you're struggling.
to be annoyed by the world around you.
to feel sick and tired.
to focus solely on yourself.

It's ok...

to tell the world what rocks.
to be content with your life.
to fully love that person you see in the mirror.
to want to be surrounded by others.
to love and adore the people in your life.
to want everything to stay just the way it is.
to embrace your faith with all your heart.
to pray.
to feel loved.
to feel intense feelings of hope.
to remember.
to be intimate.
to make mistakes.
to tell your loved ones that you've got this.
to embrace the world around you as perfectly imperfect.
to feel healthy and full of energy.
to focus solely on those around you.

It's all ok.  The good and the bad.  The dark and the light.  Happy and sad.  Life can be wonderful and it can be absolutely messy and chaotic.  It's all ok.  I believe the important thing is, to let the people around you feel their feelings.  Let them share their challenges as well as their triumphs.  Let them share the excitement of their lives and the deep heart-wrenching pain that comes along, too.

It is so easy to acknowledge when the people around us are happy and sharing their successes.  It's also easy to feel uncomfortable when someone is sharing sadness or struggle.  I am in the process of sharing my experience with an intense journey of self-discovery and personal change.  There will be good times and not so good times.  

I am ok, but I will not censor myself.  So if you are uncomfortable or concerned by me sharing this journey, know that I appreciate your care.  I truly do.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel uncomfortable by sharing this thing called life that I'm up against.  And you don't have to read any of it.  It's ok.  I am ok.  I am focusing on all aspects of myself right now because my happiness depends on it.  I can do that.  

It's ok.  

I'm ok.  

Thanks for being a part of my journey.

When Running Away Isn't An Option

I toyed with the idea of running away the other night.  It was late, I was tired and had just had another bedtime battle with the 9-year-old.  To be honest, I guess I didn't just toy with the idea.  I was pretty sure that I just needed to get the hell out.  I needed to remove myself from this place that I had ended up in.  I was sure that everyone in my life would be better off.  That I would no longer have to be "needed" by anyone else.  I would no longer be responsible for anyone else but myself.  I would no longer be reminded daily of all the mistakes I have made as a mother and wife, because I would no longer be either of those things. I could just get away from all of that.

After a good cry, I did come to my senses.  I realized that I did not want to run away from my kids and my husband. It would do no good because I was the one that I needed to get away from.  Leaving would be pointless because I would still be the one looking back at myself in the mirror every day.  I would still be living with myself day in and day out.   It's hard to admit that I dislike myself that much, but that's where I am.

Last night I told my Mr. Man about my idea of running away, because I think it is important to tell him about all the chaos and confusion that lives in my head.  He was lucky enough to be gone the night that I fell apart, so he had no clue about any of this. The poor man is very familiar with my chaos and confusion. I told him that I thought I needed couples counseling so that I could learn how to live with and communicate better with myself.  We snickered about that, but I think we would both admit that it was actually true.  We both know what happens when I start down this road of self-hate and loathing.  I may end up in therapy.  Or I will fight this inner struggle on my own.  I have done both before.  With the same results of freedom from the demons in my head.  Both ways can get ugly.  We will see which path I choose.

I don't want to paint the picture that all is lost for me.  I have just come to see some things about myself that I do not like.  I have realized that if I met myself in a social situation, I would not like that person.  I think its important for me to acknowledge that.  I can not change or become who I want to be if I am not brutally honest with who I am right now.  I have been dealing with the consequences of some of the choices I have made in my life.  So I have been making changes in my life and change has always been hard for me.  It makes things feel more chaotic and confusing.  I have had to admit that there are certain things I can not do at this point in my life.  Like drinking in social situations and eating sugar and binge watching shows on Netflix.  These are all crutches for me.  They help me escape.  I have to face who I am, free of distractions.  Get to know her.  Guide her to become the person she wants to be.  Talk about what goes on in her head. I have to get this relationship thing with myself figured out.  My Littles and Mr. Man don't want me to run away and that feels good to know.  I won't be leaving, but I will be moving forward.

Believe

Tis the season to believe. I know that during this time of the year it is referring to believing in the miracle of Christ's birth or believing in the magic of Santa. However, I am not a Christian and I have issues with the fat man in a red suit. So the word 'believe' has a different feel to me. It symbolizes a belief in Love and Hope. It symbolizes knowing that all will be well and that life is good. It symbolizes that there is something bigger than me in this world.

When I was sitting and gazing upon our decorated tree, I saw this ornament and I felt a nudge from my soul. Actually it was more of a push. It was as if my soul was telling me to pay attention. You see, I have been at odds with Love and Hope for quite some time now. And I have successfully been able to push those bad feelings down, but it is time to let them out to breathe. Time to let them out so I can let them go. 

I don't know how or when it began, but I find myself doubting everything I have ever believed to be true. I find myself feeling lost and confused a lot of the time. I am annoyed by religious people. I am annoyed by spiritual people. I am annoyed by happy people. I am annoyed by sad people. Basically I am annoyed by people. It's not easy to put that out here. I know that it makes me look like a bitter, sad human. And I am. I just don't tell anyone about it. I've been here before many times.

I hole up in my house and try my hardest to not let my family or friends know the truth of how I am feeling inside. I have never asked them if they could tell that I was not in a good place, so I have no idea if they have ever known or not. 

This time around some of them are noticing. I'm losing my edge. I'm losing my ability to keep myself hidden from them. I can't keep up the dance anymore. 

This is hard. It is hard to know that the people I cherish most, can see me as this bitter and sad person that I feel I have become. I'm here in this hard place because I feel I have nothing to believe in. I know that there is something out there. I just can't find it right now. I'm searching. I'm not just giving up and letting sadness and bitterness win. It's a slow process. 

It's going to be get harder, but I know that it is necessary. I have to trudge through this muck so that I can come out on the other side. I know I've been here. It feels very familiar. It's a nightmare I have lived through before. I'm here, so I know that I got through that one and I can get through this one. 

I just found something I believe. I believe that I can get through this.

Dearest Dreadful December

December is here again. It is hard to face December, because it is a time of being with family and friends and, at the same time, it is a time of deep introspection for me. A time when I pull back from the world and go into hiding. Hibernation if you will. It is hard to gather with people when all you want to do is disappear.

This year is no different. It's not December, though, it's me. December is simply a month on the calendar. It doesn't bring the baggage, I already own it. For many years, I have dreaded the coming of December, specifically the Christmas holiday. Yet, at the same time, I have cherished what the season brings.  

It brings time with my Mr. Man and the Littles, that I would not otherwise have. It brings Winter in and the promise of the returning of the light.  December means beautiful holiday light displays and some of the most peaceful and nostalgic music to listen to. December brings lovely family traditions, some from my childhood and some created by my Mr. Man and myself for our children.

As much as I try to focus on the good that ushers in with December, I find myself clinging to the darkness.  To the pain that others deal with during this time of holiday cheer.  To SAD that always sneaks in as well. To this feeling of being broken that follows me.

I get angry about all the gift giving. Not because I don't like giving. I like giving. I don't like the idea of giving "stuff" to people who have everything they could possibly need when there are people around me who have so little. I really want to take the money we spend on presents for family and friends and give it to those who don't have the option of buying presents for family and friends.

Don't get me wrong, we do give to those less fortunate during the holiday season, but in my eyes, we don't give enough. We can't possibly give enough. Why does there have to be so much value on buying this and that? Why does there have to be this made up dude who brings presents for all the good little boys and girls, but not if you're poor or homeless.  Santa only caters to certain good little boys and girls. 

The crazy thing is that I'm guilty of the Santa lie and this tradition of gift-giving. One of my biggest parenting regrets. I grew up loving Christmas because it meant I was going to get a ton of presents. I remember very little from my childhood, but I do remember that excitement and wonder. I want my kids to feel that excitement and wonder. I just wish that those feelings of excitement and wonder could come without the presents. 

I know that I was just a kid, but I didn't care that all those presents put my parents in financial debt every year. My mom did her best, I'm sure, to make sure that we knew the real meaning behind Christmas. But in reality, I just wanted those gifts. I wanted to sit around the tree with all my siblings and be surrounded by a sea of wrapping paper and boxes. I'm pretty sure that if a Grinch had ever stolen my Christmas, there would have been no singing and roast beast eating. There would have been a lot of crying and wailing. Sad.

I feel like a failure as a parent every year at this time. I have always been one to do better when I knew better, but this whole "Christmas" thing gets me every year. I have empathy for the less fortunate, but will I give up the gift buying for them? Heck no. Will I give up the look of joy on my kids faces when they open that new "thing"? Heck no. We, as a family, don't volunteer our time for the needy. We take part in an Adopt a Family each year, but that is the extent of it. We don't expose our children to the reality of the less fortunate. We talk about it, but we don't expose them to it.  Sad.

So will this December be no different than the years past? Will I spend it feeling more Scrooge-like than Who-like? Will I be resentful about the amount of money we spend and guilty that we don't do more for those less fortunate than us? Will I long for a peaceful, calm holiday season where we fill it with experiences with each other in place of gifts? 

I don't know the answer to any of these questions today, but I do know that something has to change. My expectations, my perceptions or my actions have to change. Perhaps all of them? I guess I will have to see how this dearest dreadful December plays out. Will I continue to choose a December being stressed out and Scrooge-like? Or will I choose a December filled with peaceful content. 

I feel the pull of both. 

An Unsolicited Tip

Perhaps there are clouds in your life.  Situations that are wearing you down or quite possibly beating the shit out of you.  You may or may not have any control over the situation.  You may or may not have the strength to fight.  You know in your head that there is nothing that you can do, even though the reality might be different.  People will offer you all kinds of encouraging advice to help you get through it.  Advice that, mostly, comes from a place of love.  However, it may also come from a place of control or a place of annoyance.  And what they want you to do, no matter where it comes from, is HARD.

Don't do anything they have offered.  Just don't.

The simplest of suggestions is monumentally hard when that shit storm is swirling around you. Don't make it worse by taking on the guilt of not being able to feel better.

Simply tell them "thank you" and then don't do any of it.  Remember what they gave you, but don't try any of it until you can.

You'll know when that is possible.

So what can you do?  When all seems lost and you just don't want to try anymore?  Or when there is nothing you can do about any of it anyway?

What can you do?

Simply this.  Close your eyes.  Place your hand upon your heart.  Feel it.  Feel every beat.

That's you.  You're a living, breathing person.  You are a miracle.  

Now think of another living being human (or animal) that is probably happy that YOU have a heartbeat.  Maybe they need you or maybe they are just happy that you are simply living on this earth.

If you can't think of any other living creature, then think of me.  I will be that person for you today.

Let the realization, that there is at least one other being in your world that is happy that you are alive, sit within your heart.  Carry that with you through the day.  Let it be the thing that just gets you through this moment in time.

You are going to have many days where you can face the storm and keep on keepin' on.  You are going to have many days when you can't.  Turn to your heart on those days.  Let your heartbeat show you the miracle that you are.

Our days are all numbered.  We all have the same number of hours in a day to either get it right or suck at it.  And as long as that heartbeat is present, we are going to get it right and we are going to suck.

But one thing remains constant.

We are all alive.  

We all wake up in the morning with the life we have.  So either live it or let the heartbeat lead you along.  Either way you are still alive.

You are still a miracle.

Someone is happy about that.